The Closet Buddhist

Archive for the tag “mental illness”

One Time When There Was No Control In My Life

I have been there, it is called my father’s drug addiction to prescription pain pills and it started when I was small. He was in a bad car accident and he recovered by learning how to live off pain pills. Pain is both physical and psychological and I believe that the physical suffering can partialy helped by psychological means.

Now his addiction got out of control when he tried to commit suicide with my mother, the family dog, and I in the house by running his car with garage door shut. I know this is mental anguish but he put everyone in danger. This was a lesson in forgiveness and understanding of sickness. He was mentally sick.

He lost his battle with his addiction to the pain pills. This is where I had to learn the hard way to accept death. Life and death is a cycle that so many do not want to accept because we live in a world that wants to be young forever and never die. This was a storm that I had to hang on because this was bumpy water.

Darkest Moments Lead To Light

Everyone has their darkest moments in life and they ┬ácan set a couse for the rest of your life in a positive or negative way. I had my darkest moment at the age of twenty six. I suffered a serious nervout break down that landed me into a psychiatric hospiral which lead to the bi-polar disorder and asperger’s diagnoses. If that was not done I would probably not be here today.

Now trying to focus on weathering the storm has been the fight that I am dealing with constantly. This is my Mara. Focusing on getting to the light and knowing this will pass and has to pass is what lead me into Buddhism and for me to meet my mentor in a monk. He and I to share one common thread, we both have bi-polar disorder. He has been sharing with me how he deals with it that does not rely solely on medication. He looks a bit it as a chain of suffering that has weak link that has to be broken. Breaking that link into the chain of suffering is key for getting the suffering out from your life.

I have had to focus on the how and why I do suffer with all of the meditations that I have been given as homework. Sometimes, mindfulness can be your biggest ally in your fight against with the darkness.

* Before taking the Buddhism only approach to mental illness, go see a practitioner to help get you stable for your own health. They can make sure you are stable to help you start the long road of recovery. I add the Buddhism teachings in with the therapy and the council in I recieve. Some of the teachings in Buddhism has helped me see through some of the muck and has helped me stay stable and has even helped lower doses of medication when appropriate.

Real Life Mara Demons, I Have Mine

The Buddha faced the Mara demon which turns what should be negatives aspects of life seem positive. Here is mine, it is called mental illness. I suffer from Bi-Polar disorder and severe soctal anxiety disorder. Here is how it throws me off the path.

The bi-polar disorder causes severe ups with a cute mania and crippling depression. It is the mania that causes me the true problem in causing me to be come not mindfull in my actions. I become severely deluded in believing that I need things that I should not need like that $54 eyeshadow pallet. What good is it for me besides instant gratification for something that I might rarely use?

Now the social anxiety disorder holds me back from doing good with fear with being around people. Meditation helps me work through it that not all will bite and to start to overcome this fear. The fear of socializing  has held me back from going to the meditation center, creates negative aspirations in me to avoid others and makes me even more of a closeted Buddhist.

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